When Reality Doesn’t Match Our Expectations

The realities of everyday life often don’t match up to our expectations; however, this seems especially true when you become a parent. There are three main areas where our parenting expectations become out of sync with real life…

1. The Ideal Family Life

Parents tend to paint a picture of what their family life will be even before their first child is born. These daydreams idealize their future family and put focus on the many joys of parenthood. Of course, these visions and daydreams come true throughout the day, but the reality is that those wonderful moments are mixed in with the mundane or downright unpleasant moments of daily life.

Real family life includes difficult situations like a rough birth, postpartum blues, a delayed adoption, sleepless nights, a colicky baby, toddler tantrums, sibling fights, and the list goes on.

2. The Well-Behaved Child

Let’s skip right to it. Children throw tantrums, they misbehave, they talk back to their parents. They fuss, whine, fight, and test boundaries. Before we had children, we would see those behaviors in other children and think, “my child will be different.” We have this belief that if we love our child enough, he will love us back by always exhibiting good behavior.

This perception is turned upside down when reality hits, and your child throws a massive tantrum or purposefully breaks the rules. We begin to go back to our prior beliefs and think we must have not loved them enough, or must be failing as a parent. The reality is reassuring – it is normal for children to act out.

Mother-speak:

“When my oldest child was two I was pregnant with our second. One day, we went out for a walk and she insisted on bringing her riding toy. The only place to ride was a ten minute walk from our apartment, so I told her that we could bring it – on the condition that she RIDE the whole time and that I didn’t have to carry it. Of course she said yes. Of course she rode the whole way there, and of course she got tired and refused to ride back. 

At this point I should have realized that I was expecting waaaaay too much of my little girl, but I was so absorbed with my own exhaustion that I got annoyed at her. I picked up her toy and lectured her the entire way home about responsibility. Yes, I know, that’s crazy. She was only two!  But I did it anyway.

I don’t think any memory has ever made me feel quite so stupid before! I guess we really should keep our expectations of our children in step with reality, but in the moment that’s not always easy to do.”

Elana, mother to Choshen, age 5, Maayan, age 3, and Shmuel, 5 months

3. High Parenting Goals

We, as parents, often subconsciously set high expectations for ourselves. We see other parents begging, bribing, threatening, and yelling; but we know that we would never, ever react that way. We have plans in place and are committed to the foundations of positive parenting techniques. We will use rational, well-intentioned parenting skill to raise amazing children.

Then reality seeps in, and we find ourselves begging, bribing, threatening, and yelling; and we don’t know how we got there. We find ourselves failing miserably at the techniques that we thought would be the backbone of our family.

It’s important to know that parenting is very hard work and done my humans. We will make mistakes, we will get angry, and we will forgot to use all the great skills that we’re learning. But, overall, if you set your goals in a more realistic level, you are doing an amazing job.

Facing Reality

The vast discrepancies between expectation and reality can often fill parents with disappointment or even anger. The farther your reality is from your expectations, the greater the chance that that gap will be filled with anger.

We can help cope with those feelings by learning more about what is normal. For example: Are tantrums common? Do siblings often fight? Do parents get frustrated and lose their patience? (Yes. Yes. And yes!) Having a clearer picture of normal realities can help us align our expectations and diminish those feelings of failure, frustration, and downright anger. Understanding that we are normal, and our children are normal, we can get past the rough patches and enjoy family life.

These tips are from The No-Cry Discipline Solution