How Your Casual Remarks Can Affect Your Child

It’s a common affliction: the tendency to talk about one’s children in hurtful ways without realizing that the cherished subjects of the offensive comments are listening to every word. I can just hear you saying, “This never happens to me.” Perhaps. Perhaps not. But I think that there’s a chance you’ll see yourself in at least one of the following examples.

Noah, 7

Have you found yourself saying these things

Unloading a cart full of Cheerios and macaroni-and-cheese at the grocery store’s checkout counter, a harried mother chats to the cashier. “… Only one more week ‘til school vacation, then the kids will be home all day. I can already hear the bickering and whining! Want to buy two kids, cheap?” The cashier laughs and shakes her head, “No thanks, I have my own! I know what you mean!” In their supposedly light-hearted banter, neither one notices the shopper’s two children standing right beside her, listening quietly to every hurtful word.

Laleh is talking on the phone to her sister, “The kids drove me crazy all day! Abdi and Sheida have been like animals. They were fighting in the living room and knocked over the lamp. Aria has been acting like a two-year-old—having temper tantrums over every little thing, teenagers are impossible!” Quietly and unnoticed, three dispirited children fade into the background of the family room and turn on the TV.

Then there’s Megan, chatting with her neighbor in the yard. As usual, the conversation turns to their children. Megan dramatically relates how very annoyed she was with Kyle at baseball practice. “I was so embarrassed!” she groans. “The second time Kyle struck out he stomped his foot like a baby and threw his helmet on the ground. You’d think he was five years old instead of 10!” She chuckled.” Meanwhile, said child is just a few feet away, pretending to toss a baseball—but actually suffering the embarrassment of listening to his mother talk about his very real pain as if it were a joke.

The hidden message you are sending your child

“I can talk about you all I want, and since you’re just a child you’re not worthy of the same respect I’d give another adult. Besides, you’re just a kid so your feelings aren’t important.”

Linus, 3

Something to think about

If you don’t believe that your children hear your casual remarks, try this: As you chat with a friend or your spouse, casually slip a question in the middle of your conversation. Something along the lines of, “Do you think we should take the kids out for ice cream?” Be ready to hop in the car when you hear the chorus of, “Yes!” from the all corners of the house.

Children do not always react outwardly to what they hear. However, if you could see into their hearts, you would find a record of every careless word, and every adult laugh, that here, in the most vulnerable of places, was not found so funny.

Children struggle through the growing-up process, and along the way they question who they are. A parent’s potent words help a child paint a picture of who he really is, and how important he is in this world. How tragic for that child if, despite how we really feel, that painting is not the masterpiece we envision!

Annabelle, 5

Changes you can make

Given the extreme importance of your words, it simply makes good sense to choose them carefully. From now on, if your child is within hearing distance assume that he may be listening—and don’t say anything about him that you wouldn’t say to him.

Such a simple change could have a very positive impact on your children’s lives. As you talk about your children—and let’s face it, they’re among our favorite topics—pay attention to how those words sound from your child’s point of view. If you think that what you’re saying, or about to say, can be construed as hurtful or embarrassing, stop. Talk about something else.

Better yet, find something shining and wonderful to say about your child, and be sure your child hears it. That type of “casual comment” can yield life-enhancing benefits to your children. It may help them paint a more wonderful picture of themselves – a picture that they can carry with them for the rest of their lives.

Need more tips? The Hidden Messages: What Our Words and Actions are Really Telling Our Children continues to help you improve the hidden messages and deeds that your children are receiving.