When Your Child Says “I Hate You” He Really Doesn’t!

Raising children requires that you act like a grown-up. That means you must tell your kids no when they want to hear yes, you must tell them stop when they want to go.

You have to impose rules about homework before playtime, dinner before dessert, and “No, you can’t stay out until midnight.”

Many such decisions don’t align with your child’s desires, and they might burst out with angry words, such as “You’re so mean! I hate you!”

Anger In Children

Your children’s angry outbursts usually come from the frustration of a contrast between their needs and your requirements. Most of these decisions are made for your child’s safety, many are for his own good, and some are for your own good. You may have the wisdom to understand your decision – but your child doesn’t. I have yet to know of a child who is capable of understanding adult decisions and responding to a no or a stop with a jovial, “Good for you, Mommy! Excellent parenting decision!”

Remember that children are egocentric – they are concerned primarily with their own needs and wants, and your ‘nos’ get in the way of them doing what they want to do. Therefore they get upset. Their response may be anger, tantrums and tears, and you may get the feeling that they hate you – or they may burst out with the actual words.

Yes, it hurts.

These moments can be very hurtful to a loving parent. And they must be dealt with and discussed. Your child needs to learn how to properly express displeasure or anger. But it is important for you to keep in mind that your angry children aren’t even thinking about you – they are thinking about the thing they want to do, but can’t. You just happen to be the bearer of bad news. So take a deep breath, let your child (and you!) calm down for a while. Then have a serious discussion about how hurtful these words can be, and teach your child how to express these feelings in a respectful way.

Your most important goal as a parent is not to make your child happy every minute of every day – that would be easy: an endless supply of candy and ice cream, and say yes to every request. Your actual goal is much, MUCH harder: raise a first-rate human being.

It’s Natural

Know that your child’s unhappiness about your decisions, and his tears or anger when he is disciplined is normal, natural and not truly directed at you. While you child may not thank you for your good decisions, now (or ever), those decisions are an important part of everyday life and the development of your child as a good human being.

Rest assured that your kids love you, even when they say they hate you (because they really don’t).

Need more tips? The No-Cry Discipline Solution is full of gentle ways to encourage cooperation without whining, yelling or tears!